Through My Eyes

During my trip to Africa I was able to keep a travel journal and jotted down thoughts, experiences and even prayers for what I hoped to accomplish while I was there. This became quite lengthy as our pace was very fast and so much was happening in a short amount of time. Everything was new and there was a steady change in my surroundings as I was being bombarded with new emotions and images, I needed to process them some how. Now I sit flipping through the pages and pages of scribble wondering who will ever read these accounts, then I thought I should compile it on the computer. No sorry it won't show up on MySpace or any blogging site because some of it is quite personal but I think it might be worth sharing with my team mates at some point. I could share it with my other friends but it just doesn't mean as much to them like it does with someone who has experienced it. Some of the team have already asked to read parts of what I wrote and another guy on the team says he will be compiling his journal entries into a book for for the rest of us. I wonder how different or similar our accounts of the same events will be. I started typing tonight and I am on page 9 but I am only at the part where we landed on African soil in Libya. And the funny part is I am not editing much information out, even the stuff I wrote for my own sake; it is pretty authentic to what I was experiencing - pretty much - uncut - the raw emotions and generally uncensored. It makes me nervous to share but I think it has value to re-live those experiences though the eyes of another and remembering how that moment impacted each of us. If you are interested in reading the completed version - talk to me. I will ensure you can experience Project Niger through my eyes.

Politically Correct Ice Cream

Growing up I lived in a very health conscious home and my parents made me order milk or orange juice during the one time visit we took to McDonalds when everyone else was drinking root beer, I was taught a very strong message about eating balanced meals. You may need to know a little something about me in order for you to truly understand my issue here - my one eternal weakness is ice cream! I can't eat lots of it but I can't help but have some of it. Somewhere along the line I thought that ice cream with fruit in it, like strawberry or blueberry or even mango was better for you even though there usually isn't much fruit if any. As I became an adult I started to branch out on my own and enjoy the rich dark forbidden flavors of chocolate and I started to indulge in a variety of chocolate ice cream treats over the healthier fruit selections - it was a family scandal! As I wandered away from the teachings of my youth I began to see the many options ice cream lovers had to choose from. Nuts, caramel, mint, licorice, bubble gum, cotton candy, rainbow, cookie dough and many combinations that would almost be sinful to consider.
Over the years I have also noticed from my peers that they become loyal to a flavor - they either align with the chocolate genre or with the fruit flavors. There have been many industrious campaigns to win people over by adding nuts to the chocolate or larger pieces of fruit or even creating designer names for the flavors but one thing stays the same - fruit or chocolate.
I have since matured and realized that my love of fruity ice cream will always be a part of me but I don't ever want to smother my secret passion for chocolate so thus I have a found the most politically correct ice cream to satisfy both camps. I am exposing a secret to my happiness in life; this is how I blend both of my flavor spectrums. I have found a flavor that allows me to sit on the fence, to be neutral, to live like I am Switzerland - I can eat ice cream like an impartial voter. I am eating Chocolate Covered Cherries and I am proud of it!
I had a small DQ Blizzard tonight (my first one of the year) and I always find them so big but I just savored every spoonful - some with fruit - some with chocolate chunks.... It was divine... I don't ever remember a Sunday evening so sweet.

Being Home Blues

So it has been over a week since I returned from my humanitarian aid trip to West Africa. I have worked on other projects with those in poverty both within my own country and in South America but for some reason I can't seem to transition back to my Canadian life so easily. I know part of it stems from my personal frustration with my present employment situation. It seemed so much easier when I didn't have to deal with the day-to-day drama I have at my job and now after the trip my frustrations seem so much more amplified. Perhaps there are more layers to my discontented heart. I feel like there was a mysterious connection that happened in my soul while overseas that just can't be re-created here. I felt different - perhaps it was the change of pace or the steady stream of new images that were bombarding me or maybe it was just the feeling of belonging to something with a purpose.
I am well aware of the reverse culture shock people experience after being exposed to such diversity and new opportunities but I can tell you that it's not just that... I think it's more. Maybe it's the loss of the community we had, the feeling of abandonment or just not having the same chemistry with those around me now. Or maybe it is just my innermost passion and desire to travel and see the world but I have always been comfortable with my travel dreams. There were times when I was in Paris when I would glance around me and whisper up prayers that these feelings would never end but blossom into more/new opportunity to see more of our planet. Since I have returned home all I can think about it where to go next? I have been dreaming about Asia and what that might hold for me. Some might say I am running away from my problems and not willing to face the hard questions of life but I say I am running towards the greatest classroom of all to help me discover more of what I want from life.
Is it a quarter life crisis… am I searching for the freedom of a grade 12 ready to take on the world or is there something I need to pay attention to deep with in my soul? I can tell you that over the next few weeks something has to change, I am trying to be patient but I don't know if I can really thrive when I feel like I can barely survive. I just keep asking myself – is this as good as it gets? There has got to be more… God has designed me for more and I can't shake the feeling that I need to figure out what that is or I will shrivel up and never fully embrace the life He has planned for me. I guess I will have to spend some intentional time figuring out what come next for me.

My Own Company

Yesterday was Good Friday and I was sitting at home after a full week of grounding to ensure my health had started to return. Upon self diagnosis I was feeling well enough to go out but not willing to put in a lot of effort to find a social gathering to attend so I decided to go out with one of my favorite people - ME! I packed up my travel journal and headed over to one of my favorite Starbucks to reflect on the last few days of my African experience that I have since neglected to complete since arriving home.
As I sipped on my tall vanilla decaf Americano with room I would look up from my pages to glance around the cafe. I started to notice the last 2 women were putting on their jackets to leave and the rest of the room was filled with single men in their late 30's. Every time I would look up to take a drink my eyes would meet with one or two of the 8 guys angled in my sightlines. Some were so bold as to hold my glance to smile at me. I very quickly started to feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable. It was like the walls were closing in on me, the door seemed further away and I would have to respond to some awkward comment. I normally would have appreciated the neighborly grin or the welcoming smile but this was different... I felt like prey waiting to be pounced on. At this point I did what any insecure girl disinterested in confrontation did - I dug out my cell phone and occupied my attention by punching a bunch of buttons and trying to look as if I would be expecting something better, to give the illusion of more than just me. This held them off for a short time but they continued to close in on me not just with their eyes and their smiles but one brave soldier walked over to the shelf near my table to glance at what I was working on. I looked directly at him as he was peering over my shoulder and looked away after an embarrassed "hello". He went back to his 3-seated table in the left corner to update his mates of what he was sent to scout out. I could barely stand it any longer, I finished off the final thoughts in my journal, tossed my cup and headed out as if I was late for something very important. I started to scurry faster when I noticed another gentleman in particular standing from his chair and starting to come towards me - this was my cue to head for the hills.
I guess spending a Friday night on a long weekend out at a coffee shop alone does project a certain message but when did it become open season for those that sit alone. Isn't there an unwritten rule about those journaling or studying or occupied by choice?
I enjoy spending time at cafes where I can be with my thoughts - I have come up with some of my greatest revelations in a Tim Horton's, Second cup and Starbucks near you! I have drafted up many business profiles and entrepreneurial ideas to develop as well as life altering concepts to my decision-making and leadership. Where can I go to find solace with my own company both professionally and personally? What can I do to take back the carefree cappuccino dates and the latte laughter with myself? Do I always need an escort to keep predators at bay?
Perhaps I am being a bit over dramatic but this was an odd evening. I know I have seen some cute boys in the past sitting in my sightline and wished they would come talk to me but Mr. Right was not among this crowd!

In the middle of the night I begin to question...

For almost a whole month I have not been able to sleep through the entire night. At first I thought it was because I was in the African heat and my body was still dealing with the jet-lag but during my 2 week stay in West Africa I didn't have a full night's rest. Since my return to Canada an internal alarm has been going off and I have only assumed it is the return jet lag again but I am noticing a pattern. These have been my observations although not entirely scientific.
1. It usually happens between 4-5am local time irrelevant of my location - In Africa it was 4-5am and now in Canada my eyes open at 4-5 am.
2. My mind begins to race about similar items - life, friends, love, and purpose - not in that order... I am not overly stressed by any one of them but certain issues float to the front of my mind and I start to work overtime.
3. I have noticed it keeps me alert for approximately 30-60 minutes depending on how quickly I can tuck those thoughts back into my sleepy head.
4. I had a well respected friend once tell me he felt God talked to him in dreams - I believed him - God talks to many people through their dreams. Shortly after his divine revelations I remember praying for God to talk to me through my dreams to help me with answers around some major decisions I was making at the time. God wanted to use other communication forms to keep me humble. SO my fourth and final observation at this time is more of a question that maybe God is waking me up between 4-5am to talk. But I just don't know how to start the conversation at that time. OR is it just jet lag?
Last night was particularly strange as I have been at home all week because of illness but last night I went out with friends. Not just any friends but the team I traveled to Africa with - Great group! It was nice to see them again after the trip; we looked at pictures, talked about our experiences and unpacked some of the return depression that has sunken in for some of us. After the evening was over I arrived home, got ready for bed and drifted off into a great sleep - but 4:17am - WIDE AWAKE! And my thoughts started to race in a metaphor – strange I know but I paralleled my experience to an expensive car, hard to explain. This is the metaphor:
My friend has a new Porsche and was cruising around in it last night, we were able to ooo and aww at his new toy which to any of us was impressive. I felt somewhat envious but I am not into porches like he is - but I sure like to watch them and I was happy for him and the joy he had from showing it to us.
I noticed some of our friends were asking to test drive his new Porsche - I cringed as I thought it might not be a smart idea to trust your new toy with just anyone but he agreed with a watchful eye. At one point he turned to me and asked - Do you want to try? My heart skipped and I felt a sense of honor by just being asked however out of my mouth came these words – no, that's ok. No sooner did I say them than I realized how much I wanted to just sit behind the wheel - why did I say no - what would make me say something that wasn't true.... so here I am lying awake contemplating this - Dumb I know...
I started to see things a little clearer both about myself and about my friend. First - my friend was enjoying his Porsche through the eyes of his friends - with every new person who took it out for a spin he was able to share a passion he had with them - enlightening them to the style and sophistication that his little purchase brought. He wanted to share the joy that this car brought to himself with others by letting them experience it personally. For many of us it would be the first time we test-drove anything at this caliber.
Secondly - I realized I am afraid. I had this weird feeling in that moment when he offered me the keys - what if I don't drive it well? I was afraid I couldn't drive stick as well as him and my insecurities about how I am perceived got the best of me and I may have insulted my friend after he was gracious enough to want to share his new joy with me.
Ok so now that my revelation has come into full view, the clock reads 4:38am and now the only thing I can think of is finding a way to apologize. How do I say it – do I say anything at all – does he even remember – am I making a bigger deal out of nothing – it can't be nothing I have spend the last 20+ minutes thinking about it. It's one of those things that if I skim over it, I might be overlooking an opportunity to encourage and repair any damage to our friendship but if I draw attention to something that wasn't a big deal he might think I am just a nut case – which at this point in the middle of the night – is true!
At 4:52am I was able to turn over, close my eyes and feel like I had solved the crisis of the night. I think that no matter what the issue is that seems to awaken me – it's 10 times bigger at that time of night!
My hope is that my sleep each night will be full and complete that any interruptions will be essential and short. I also hope my fears would be diminished through an attitude of confidence and I can enjoy each moment when I am faced with it.