In the middle of the night I begin to question...

For almost a whole month I have not been able to sleep through the entire night. At first I thought it was because I was in the African heat and my body was still dealing with the jet-lag but during my 2 week stay in West Africa I didn't have a full night's rest. Since my return to Canada an internal alarm has been going off and I have only assumed it is the return jet lag again but I am noticing a pattern. These have been my observations although not entirely scientific.
1. It usually happens between 4-5am local time irrelevant of my location - In Africa it was 4-5am and now in Canada my eyes open at 4-5 am.
2. My mind begins to race about similar items - life, friends, love, and purpose - not in that order... I am not overly stressed by any one of them but certain issues float to the front of my mind and I start to work overtime.
3. I have noticed it keeps me alert for approximately 30-60 minutes depending on how quickly I can tuck those thoughts back into my sleepy head.
4. I had a well respected friend once tell me he felt God talked to him in dreams - I believed him - God talks to many people through their dreams. Shortly after his divine revelations I remember praying for God to talk to me through my dreams to help me with answers around some major decisions I was making at the time. God wanted to use other communication forms to keep me humble. SO my fourth and final observation at this time is more of a question that maybe God is waking me up between 4-5am to talk. But I just don't know how to start the conversation at that time. OR is it just jet lag?
Last night was particularly strange as I have been at home all week because of illness but last night I went out with friends. Not just any friends but the team I traveled to Africa with - Great group! It was nice to see them again after the trip; we looked at pictures, talked about our experiences and unpacked some of the return depression that has sunken in for some of us. After the evening was over I arrived home, got ready for bed and drifted off into a great sleep - but 4:17am - WIDE AWAKE! And my thoughts started to race in a metaphor – strange I know but I paralleled my experience to an expensive car, hard to explain. This is the metaphor:
My friend has a new Porsche and was cruising around in it last night, we were able to ooo and aww at his new toy which to any of us was impressive. I felt somewhat envious but I am not into porches like he is - but I sure like to watch them and I was happy for him and the joy he had from showing it to us.
I noticed some of our friends were asking to test drive his new Porsche - I cringed as I thought it might not be a smart idea to trust your new toy with just anyone but he agreed with a watchful eye. At one point he turned to me and asked - Do you want to try? My heart skipped and I felt a sense of honor by just being asked however out of my mouth came these words – no, that's ok. No sooner did I say them than I realized how much I wanted to just sit behind the wheel - why did I say no - what would make me say something that wasn't true.... so here I am lying awake contemplating this - Dumb I know...
I started to see things a little clearer both about myself and about my friend. First - my friend was enjoying his Porsche through the eyes of his friends - with every new person who took it out for a spin he was able to share a passion he had with them - enlightening them to the style and sophistication that his little purchase brought. He wanted to share the joy that this car brought to himself with others by letting them experience it personally. For many of us it would be the first time we test-drove anything at this caliber.
Secondly - I realized I am afraid. I had this weird feeling in that moment when he offered me the keys - what if I don't drive it well? I was afraid I couldn't drive stick as well as him and my insecurities about how I am perceived got the best of me and I may have insulted my friend after he was gracious enough to want to share his new joy with me.
Ok so now that my revelation has come into full view, the clock reads 4:38am and now the only thing I can think of is finding a way to apologize. How do I say it – do I say anything at all – does he even remember – am I making a bigger deal out of nothing – it can't be nothing I have spend the last 20+ minutes thinking about it. It's one of those things that if I skim over it, I might be overlooking an opportunity to encourage and repair any damage to our friendship but if I draw attention to something that wasn't a big deal he might think I am just a nut case – which at this point in the middle of the night – is true!
At 4:52am I was able to turn over, close my eyes and feel like I had solved the crisis of the night. I think that no matter what the issue is that seems to awaken me – it's 10 times bigger at that time of night!
My hope is that my sleep each night will be full and complete that any interruptions will be essential and short. I also hope my fears would be diminished through an attitude of confidence and I can enjoy each moment when I am faced with it.